S.A.D.

Fighting for yourself

I think I was maybe in 8th or 9th grade the first time I heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I can almost distinctly remember what the classroom I was sitting in looked like. It’s funny to look at what memories stand out to us. Why would I remember so vividly the moment I learned about this neurological disorder? I even remember learning a few things that helped as treatment. Other than living somewhere sunny and warm 365 days out of the year, you can take extra does of Vitamin C and D, purchase a small UV light (think of something a pet lizard might be using), or make it a priority to spend even 5 minutes outside a day, among other things.

That was the extent of my knowledge and introduction to SAD. The reason that it stuck with me is because I instantly knew I was affected by it. You know when something just clicks? It totally clicked. I remember feeling almost relieved to finally understand certain emotions. So that’s great, but what exactly is SAD?

SAD was officially introduced at the National Institute of Mental Health by Norman E. Rosenthal is 1984. It has been described as a “seasonal pattern” in which an individual experiences depressive symptoms such as excessive lack of energy, over-sleeping, and in general less vibrancy. This usually occurs around the same time each year, hence the pattern. For the most part, these symptoms typically present during the colder, winter months. Once an individual experiences warmer, gentler weather, the symptoms tend to completely disappear. This leaves the person seemingly unaffected.

You’re welcome for the history lesson. Now to get to the point of all this. Being personally affected by SAD, I’ve always thought it was a silly thing to tell others. “I’m sad and tired because it’s cold.” Most people would respond “Of course you are, me too.” What is hard to explain is the deeper level of emotion that is happening with someone experiencing SAD vs. your typical winter blues. I usually don’t attempt to try. Today, I am here, trying.

As I mentioned, I get sad and tired. What I wouldn’t tell others is how it feels like more than tired, it feels like fighting constant waves of over-whelming feelings of despair. What I don’t mention is how some days the hardest thing in the world is to get outside, even when you know it will make you feel better. It blocks your productive thinking. It pulls you into an emotional whirlpool. Doing anything other than laying curled up in the fetal position in bed your is hard. No one knows how much struggle you had to go through just to get to work with clean clothes and a shower. It goes so deep as to affect you in the things you want to do, too. When I first start experiencing the symptoms of SAD, usually around November or December, even if I have been running every day, I struggle just to put on my sneakers and walk. Even though I love yoga, I struggle to get up for a class. That’s what it’s like. You don’t even have the energy to do things you love. You become almost listless. Like you should be hibernating, because it feels like your brain already is. (So PS, be more gentle with each other, becuase we just don’t know it all).

Luckily, through the practice of yoga, I learned to listen to my body and become aware of myself when starting to slide down the SAD slope. I would start to notice my thought and eating patterns get worse and worse, my cravings. Habits of the SAD that loom over your shoulder waiting to attack and pin you down to an emotional turmoil of hell, as you try to drag yourself out of bed and away from it. Having more awareness of my thoughts and emotions didn’t fix the SAD, it allowed me over-time to slowly change those reactive habits and replace them with more productive ones. Developing awareness and understanding of my body allowed me to get ahead of it before I started to dig myself in too deep. It’s not that suddenly everything is fine and it’s not that you never slide down the slope again, it’s that you learn to recognize, to fight, and to rise above. You learn to fight for control of your thoughts, you learn to not give up. You learn that you can save yourself. It feels good when you notice yourself winning, you notice you don't have to fight so hard. Maybe that's why I love the strength aspect of the yoga practice so much, it reminds me of the internal strength I work so hard for. It's not because it gets easier, it's because you get stronger. A little less sad each time, and that is something to be happy about.

Love,

Kari